Beloved Max, the “Terminally Stupid” Dog

“He ate a beer can. Frequently inhaled while drinking and would choke. He got lost in a walk-in closet. Repeatedly. I had to rescue him from the open closet on a daily basis.”

Please don’t take this story the wrong way – you’ll have to have a good sense of humor and not be overly sensitive to appreciate this.  Now of course, EVERY dog deserves to be loved and treated with dignity, but it’s a simple truth – not all of them can be geniuses.  Some of them are just hopelessly dopey, which makes them all the more endearing…

Please be advised, there is some adult language on this post.

This reddit thread comes from another story we recently posted, the one about the husky who got stuck in the couch.  The comments are quite amusing…


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inmyotherpants79  – I had a beagle. He was stupid. When I say he was stupid I don’t mean he did stupid things. I mean… Max was terminally stupid.

Max loved his cat, Bacon.  Bacon tolerated Max but also knew Max was terminally stupid. Bacon learned that Max would chase him pretty much anywhere, so he would run and hide in places Max couldn’t reach. Max would run full speed into the obstacle and get stuck. Every. Fucking. Time. Bacon would sit there and smack him on the snout until he started whining. I would eventually stop laughing long enough to extricate the dog, pat him on his terminally stupid head, and send him on his way.

I knew I would hear the same thunk, smack smack smack smack, whine in five minutes.


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[–]quantumchaos –  please tell me you recorded this at least once lol

[–]inmyotherpants79 – There’s a video somewhere on an old hard drive. This was in the long ago before smart phones were prevalent.

[–]quantumchaos – BRING US THE POTATO… please

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I WILL DO MY BEST… maybe. I’m pretty lazy and just had steak for lunch so I got the itis.

EDIT: Guys… I think the video was on a drive that got fried. 🙁

[–]not_old_account – My dorms don’t have power atm so I’m stuck on my phone in the dining hall, tied to the wall by my charger.

Plz, this video will make it all worthwhile.


[–]jacqueefah – Did you leave it in your other pants?

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker  – That picture proves that we are not dealing with a Rhodes Scholar here.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Yeah. My elderly grandma thought it was hilarious to decorate him for Christmas. The walleyed stare just makes it better.

Just to let you know how stupid Max was:

He ate a beer can.

Frequently inhaled while drinking and would choke.

Fell off the bed while lost in a blanket and ruptured his spleen. He almost died.

He ate rat poison (we don’t know where he got it). He almost died.

He ate roofing slate.

He ate a 6’x6′ section of carpet and padding. Twice.

He ate a jar of peanut butter. No. I don’t mean he chewed the lid off the jar. He ate all but a small bit of the jar.

He got a bottle of Ibuprofen and ate six pills. He almost died.

He ate a seat belt.

He ate a windowsill.

He got lost in a walk-in closet. Repeatedly. I had to rescue him from the open closet on a daily basis.

He frequently would walk into the sliding glass door, sit down, shake his head, and then try again. Over and over until you opened it for him.

He ran in terror if the curtains moved.

He would fart in his sleep and wake up in a start. Then he would spend five minutes searching for whatever demon had made the noise.

[–]SteakAndBake0 – Max is the Kevin of the dog world.


[–]inmyotherpants79 – He really was.

[–]Jonathan_the_Nerd  – He got lost in a walk-in closet. Repeatedly.

I just spit Coke on my keyboard. I hope you’re happy.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – It’s not even a big closet! 6′ by 5′

[–]DuplexFields – It’s smaller than the carpet!


[–]Alan_Smithee_  – “That dog ain’t right, I tell you hwat.”


[–]BorisBC – He ate a seat belt.

I was holding it together till here. But this is where I lost it!

[–]inmyotherpants79 \– We were taking him to the lake with the other two dogs for the weekend. All was going well and we stopped at McDonald’s halfway there for their traditional ice cream cone. I turn to feed each one their cone and there he was, chowing down on a seat belt.

[–]Theory5 – He got a bottle of Ibuprofen and ate six pills. He almost died.

Hey, what a coincidence! I nearly die when I take Ibuprofen too!

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Are you saying you’re a beagle?

[–]Theory5 – No, we just share similar allergies apparently. I’ve never eaten a windowsill.

[–]Obi_Wan_Benobi – At least he was entertaining. Smart dogs just obey everything.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – No… No they don’t. My Rottie mix my husband and I adopted is smart. He knows how to unzip bags, open drawers and the fridge, and he frequently tries to open the front screen door to let his girlfriend in the house.

[–]Obi_Wan_Benobi – Shhh. I was trying to make him feel better.

[–]wartzilla – I hope this dog didn’t breed.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Oh sweet jeebus no. We had him neutered as soon as we could after I… liberated him from his previous owner.

[–]mynameispointless – Is no one going to question this?

[–]lannvouivre – I thought my old cat, Potter, was dumb. Max makes him look smart.

I bet Max was sweet. Potter was the sweetest, calmest idi–I mean, cat, that I ever had.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Max was hands-down the sweetest and most loving dog I have ever owned. Oh, you’re sick? He’ll curl up on your pillow and rest his head by yours. Oh, you’re drunk and can’t find your bed? He’ll finish that beer and keep you company until you both sober up. (No worries, he never drank that much.)

[–]lannvouivre – Potter started sleeping leaned against the pillow pretty quickly (for him) after I started going to sleep hugging him. Was always there if I was sad, or happy, or sleeping, or just breathing. All the other cats loved him because all he did was sleep and be warm.

He’d also walk up to them and duck his head in their faces so they’d bathe him. He was a player. It was probably the only intelligent thing he ever did.

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – From some of your testimony I am wondering if Max had a vision problem. My friend has a beagle that is fully blind.

[–]thenerdyglassesgirl – Max sounds like my old beagle-Basset, Al. Al once ate an entire chicken leg, bone and all. Al also got his head stuck in a measuring cup once because he was trying to lick out all of the contents. Al also fell for the pretending-to-throw-the-ball gag EVERY TIME. We also had a cockatiel at the time and Al would ALWAYS forget the bird was actually alive and alert and would screech at him if he got too close.

I think it’s a beagle thing. Beagles aren’t the most intelligent creatures.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Beagles: They aren’t dumb, exactly. They just aren’t smart.

[–]shadyslims – Serious question… Did you like never feed this dog?

[–]inmyotherpants79 – You’ve never met a beagle, have you? Beagles are dog-shaped black holes where an endless supply of food (and non-food) goes. They will eat anything if it stays still long enough.

[–]reddog323 – This is adorably hilarious. The inhaling while drinking and farting in his sleep got me good. 🙂

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – Max basically water-boarded himself every time he drank water.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – The dog needed a helmet to protect what was functional in his brain.

[–]reddog323 – Agreed. Or maybe a transplant of a better one…

[–]Sepherchorde – Please make /r/TalesOfMax and share with us!

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I’m too lazy. I get all my karma from commenting. Linking is for people with energy and ambition. It’s the same with modding.

[–]surfertay7 – I have a tear from each eyeball coming down my face because of Max’s shenanigans.

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – God damn Max.

[–]getsomeawe – Awwww. I also had a lemon beagle named Max.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I’d love to have another lemon beagle but all beagles get snatched up quick at our shelters.

[–]getsomeawe – Truth. One thing I notice is that (in my area at least) the basset rescue gets a lot of beagles/beagle mixes, it’s where I got my Max It might be something to look into, the other hound dog type rescue centers.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I live in a tiny rural area (my town only has 146 people) that has a massive hunting culture. Any dog that’s a hunting breed gets snatched up quickly.

[–]captaindragoon – I read “I had a bald eagle” and I was both confused and amused at the rest of the comment.

[–]immortalreploid – Cats are awesome.


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[–]inmyotherpants79 – Bacon was a pretty awesome cat who was brought up from the basement during a storm by Max. My old GSD mix, Katie, immediately thought he was her pup and raised him like a dog.


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The chihuahua, Morgan? Hated him.




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[–]immortalreploid – That’s awesome! Bacon can take the Chihuahua, I assume.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – No. The chihuahua was fearsome and evil. The ancient hagbeast known as Miss Kitty was the only thing the chihuahua feared.


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[–]immortalreploid – Your animals must be really entertaining.



Original post:



63 thoughts on “Beloved Max, the “Terminally Stupid” Dog

  1. giggling like a fiend…. all my furbabies are looking at me like I’m nutz.. Max you Rule

  2. We, too, had a purebred beagle who, in our language, was ‘dumb as a box of rocks. She actually finished obedience school: when they did the ‘heel’ command and the dog is supposed to turn around you and sit on your left side? Maddy did that except she faced backwards. When they had the ‘down/stay’ where some of the brightest dogs in the class failed because they could not resist the ball the instructor bounced in front of their noses? Maddy just laid there because it would never have occurred to her that a ball was anything in which to be interested. It took her six years to figure out that she could dig her way out of our fenced backyard. The only thing that would bring her on a run from wherever her nose had taken her was if we yelled, “MARSHMALLOWS”. Never failed.

  3. that dog has pica, the owners need to do a better job at confining him to a safe area or learn to pick up their junk. poor dog is paying the price for the owners being irresponsible. and its not being ‘overly sensitive’, passing this kinda thing off as a joke can make people think its no big deal if they let their dogs do this, and that puts animals in danger.

  4. Not funny at all. Dog may have a trouble with eyesight or something. That can be the reason why he gets stuck every time he runs into the obstacle. Same as a dog that is obsessed with chasing its tail. Very entertaining and hilarious to see them do that. According to a vet site, obsessive tail-chasing is a psychological disorder. Hence, it’s not funny.

  5. Like it’s clearly been stated, you need to have a good sense of humor to appreciate this, and understand that sometimes dogs will just be dogs. A lot of dogs just eat random things, and most of them don’t have pica. Some have a penchant for eating pens. Some will eat table and chair legs. That is not pica – it has more to do with the mouth-feel of gnawing on something. Pica is when there is an actual craving, a desire to ingest non-nutritive things – rocks, clay, soap, etc. Having a predilection for wolfing down cans isn’t the same. Most people don’t live in museums where nothing is ever on the floor, and not even the best owner can be expected to keep an eye on their dogs 24/7. Some dogs just get into stuff now and then, and it would be cruel to keep them crated all the time.

  6. Love this. We had a Cocker Spaniel that was really dumb too. Every time he sneezed he would bonk his nose on the floor. Everytime! He would sleep under the coffee table and if you called his name he would bonk his head on the table. Every time! He used to make us laugh and we loved him. Stupid or not. He lived to be 14.

  7. I had a dog that was a dope, but I sure loved him. Every morning when I let him out to potty, he’d rush at the door and hit his head (door opened inward). NEVER learned to wait one more second. He also was the example in obedience class as to what not to do.

  8. It’s been said dogs picks up after their owner so the owner is terminally stupid too! We trained our dog when he was a puppy. We’re smart to do it & now he’s a smart dog.

  9. Pica is no laughing matter. Our Kenzie has it too…when we bought her from the breeder she was practically throwing her at us. She was the last of the litter of champion parents with papers…no she was not a runt…but she was a disaster from the start. She was a chewer…and Not a teether either. When we left with her our toes were hanging out of our shoes!!!! The owner even knocked $450 off the price to get rid of the 3 and half mo beauty…we paid 400 for her. She wasn’t our first dog. We had to put our great Dane duke down 5 months prior at 9 years do to a bad break…vet said he was old for his breed and surgery and rehab would just b cruel so we said our goodbyes. But kenzie is a special dog…no one could train her…we tried 4 times with 4 different trainers…and yes we were consistent every time. All she learned was to sit. She can’t walk on a leash and harness without pulling. U have to hold her down to cut her nails becus she doesn’t sit. Whenever we tried treat training she’d smell the treats and completely Lose all focus…like she had adhd or something. Then we tried to train without treats….utter disaster. In the end she is a goofy couch potato who barks when she farts and growls at the water at the lake or in the bath…like its going to attack her. Becus of her having pica we need to confine her to a cage when we r not home….it’s the responsible thing to do after all…she uses our Danes old cage so it’s very roomy. We love our pretty special girl…

  10. Sadly a lot of people don’t understand this way. All that matters to them is it’s too funny or what a stupid dog. We owners should consider our pets needs and understand them instead. Guide them if they made mistake. And make sure they’re in a good place. I love dogs big or small stupid or not.

  11. Doesn’t anyone remember the book the stupids step out? I have a dog who is not the brightest. And I love him dearly. It’s just what he is. It’s ok. You just learn not to expect a lot from him. He’s still my little angle. Don’t be offended it’s just humor folks.

  12. We had a foster beagle who was also “terminally stupid”. He was so sweet but literally un-trainable. He’d bring in sticks from outside just to chew on my antique table and chairs that were a gift from my grandma. He would howl for hours in his crate and although he spent months with us, only knew “sit” and inconsistently, “stay”. We still loved having him but he was definitely not invited to any canine Mensa meetings

  13. Ralph was named after Ralph from the Simpsons. .
    He would lick walls. You’d say say no- he’s turn his head ever so slightly to look at you but his tongue was still attached to the wall ?.
    He had two left feet. Took him months to toilet train (he would always jump on the bed to pee-no warning -he once looked my husband in the eye and peed on him-he’s lucky my husband loves him so much! . .. his signal now is to plop himself in front of the bathroom door?)
    Doesn’t he just look dopey? !.
    But he’s the sweetest dog in the world.

  14. Since there are those that cannot appreciate the intent of this, look at this from an “FYI” perspective.

    Someone has now been made aware of Pica, and those in an uproar can feel pious about chastising the person who originally shared this.

    Feel free to judge me, my comment, and the humorous slant on this if it makes your day.
    -From an avid animal lover and activist.

  15. If they have low iron levels, it is considered to be pica. Although, Pica is related to emotional neglect, trauma and abandonment by the mother. It’s a coping method for stress.. So really try and comfort your pups.
    However, it’s most likely geophagia, which is not pica.
    Like many have already stated, take measures to ensure your dogs safety, as well as, proper conditioning to reduce the behaviors.

    Enjoy your dogs..

  16. We have a 6lb doxie with a congenital liver problem who is compelled to eat poo. She is also half blind and LOVES chasing the laser pointer. You can bring her out of a dead sleep by opening the kitchen drawer where it is kept. She will also try to naw the ankles off our bulldog if he gets in the way!

  17. i have a heeler mix that my son says is stupid but he listens to me and very gentle scared to death of small kids and great with pups his gf has a dog she calls stupid but she isnt and she knows it lol chubbs (the heeler mix) will chase anything and will even go for ice being tossed he just likes playing and running

  18. my lemon beagle was one of those big dumb loveable dogs. If the door was closed she used her head to battering ram it open even IF it was closed. She often reminding me of Patrick Star she wouldn’t chew the food and suck it down: we give food to her sister and Cinnamon who had eaten her food already would get concerned “because she forgot she had been fed already” Patrick Star “I think I’ll eat it now! Where’s my chocolate bar?”

  19. I had a golden whose parents were search and rescue dogs and they suggested that since my dog was a smaller female that maybe I should start her training. I told them that I knew she was their grandchild but that they would have to send a rescue dog to find her if she went to rescue someone. She never learned to sit or any commands she was dumber than dirt but she was also the sweetest dogs you could ever have and was my sweetie for 14 years.

  20. Many years ago I had a German Shepherd that was the exact opposite of a German Shepherd. She only grew to about knee height (no more than 40 lbs) and she just didn’t listen at all, but she was the cutest little dopey dog! Finally figured out she was tone deaf. The only way you could get her to come was by whistling because she didn’t hear lower pitches, like voices.

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